Monday blues

Its been a while that i’ve written something.

Let me rephrase that,

Something meaningful,

aside from my frequent array of short excerpts and silly blogs.

Lately, it seems as if i’ve been hiding in all the wrong places

Engaging in the wrong activities.

I’ve recently found myself pondering on the idea

Of change

Not the good type of change, if there is such

But the type where you cant simply click an undo button

or rewind back to where you came from.

A loss of touch with my identity perhaps,

Where its come down to the ultimate question of who am I becoming

To where i want to go.

Its been a while since i’ve last felt this way

It could be the excessive quantity of alcohol

I’ve ingested the past couple of days,

Or the loss of brain cells due to the

amount of times I’ve been out past 3 am getting high.

I’ve been running,

But which direction?

It depends on who you’d ask.

My mother and father would simply answer south

My dealers, north

Way up high

My friends, North West, maybe East South

Whichever way our drunk minds will allow us to.

Sorry, didn’t mean to drive your brain in circles solving riddles.

The point is, someone knows

And soon, I will to

Wether i find the answer in the bottom of my next spirit over the rocks

Or inbetween the ashes of my rolled up spliff.

If I’m lucky, hopefully in my dreams

when i finally get some sleep.

Darkened Denial

It’s easy to talk about once it already happened

After the hangovers,

The heartbreaks,

The last hit of your blunt

But while it’s happening,

We’re in denial

And fool ourselves to believe nothing’s wrong

Maybe we don’t notice,

Or maybe we’re too scared to admit the truth

So we hide it 

Behind a cloud of smoke

Or a few shots

Then throw it up the morning after

And distract ourselves with the blurred memory

We don’t realize it 

Until we’ve regretted doing a fair share of the wrong things to forget,

Or pushed away a few friends,

Or drank to many screwdrivers and inhaled too much green 

That we can’t even remember who we really are

And we lose touch with ourselves while trying to lose touch with what’s happening

Until we realize we’ve dug ourselves in a hole to deep

To climb out on our own

And we’ve lost everything we once had 

That we lose ourselves

And so we wait 

Until finally one day 

It’s over

And you’re talking about the time you once felt that way

And how you never want to go back there again

Foolish lover

I wish i saw the truth behind your words as easy as you once faked them.

I wish, oh how I wish, I overlooked the amalgamation of meaningless gesticulations you  managed to hypnotize me with.
The empty promises, the mistaken beliefs.
Your false exertions,
The doltish love letters.
A spectacle awning every dagger in between. 
Am I to blame for the forlorn bruises you implanted on my back
When I stared straight into your eyes?
As it was my ultimate fault for not looking.